Advice from a Matchmaker: Love Defies Logic but Try this if You Want to be more Logical about Love

Last summer I re-read Professor Daniel Kahneman’s book Thinking, Fast & Slow. The first time I read it was during my MBA so I was reading it through a business lens. This time I read it through the lens of a matchmaker.

Stressed Issa Rae GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

It’s an amazing book that analyses our propensity to being biased when making decisions. It’s actually really depressing how bad humans are at making decisions. We’re so irrational. 

But for all the depressing stats Dr. Kahneman gives us, there is a light of possible redemption via advice on how to counter our biases.

Ron Burgundy Regret GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

For example, he makes the suggestion for HR people when it comes to hiring so that they are as unbiased as possible. His suggestion is to come up with a list of criteria (before any CVs are reviewed) and grade each person on a scale with the criteria in mind.

This is such a simple idea and yet so powerful – so much so that I’ve integrated it into my coaching and matchmaking.

In the past I had clients list their preferences and choose their top three deal-breakers (because according to Ty Tashiro’s book, The Science of Happily Ever After, if we have more than three deal-breakers we make it statistically impossible to meet someone who matches everything.

Writing Publishing GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

But let’s be honest – three is not a big number and it was hard for people to just choose three.

So now, instead of telling people they only get three deal-breakers, I give them the opportunity to list six criteria (but the three deal-breakers get are weighted more than the preferences).

Once the criteria and weights have been figured out, we look at candidates and score them against the criteria. If the score is higher than 75% then we would agree it’s a match.

Girls Generation Math GIF by Korea - Find & Share on GIPHY

Sounds complicated? Don’t worry, if I can do it, you can def do it.

Here’s an example:

In the above example, the total is 6.5 out of 8 (which is 81%) so it’s a go.

The power of this is threefold:

  1. You state what you are looking for before you start considering matches. This makes the decision-making more consistent (and helps you notice any biases you may not have observed earlier).
  2. You score on a scale, which is much more helpful than a yes/no type of answer.
  3. It gives people who are not conventionally good looking and/or not photogenic and/or have an amazing personality and SO potential but are unable to communicate it via written profile and two-dimensional photo, a better chance.

truTV GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

Of course, this doesn’t make choosing a potential SO a complete walk in the park or some kind of automated procedure, but it will add an element of logic to one of the most logic-defying issues in our lives.

Carli Lloyd Success GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

Also, if you keep a list of the potential matches you’ve met over the past few months and score and track them you will learn a lot about yourself – what you’re attracted to, what makes you go weak in the knees (and if it’s healthy), if you have healthy tendencies or not-so-healthy ones, etc. Eventually you’ll understand why you say no when your matrix says yes (or vice versa).

Would you consider using this type of system to decide who has potential? If your answer is yes, check soon in the Free Resources section for a template.

xo Ariadna


Enjoying what you’re reading? Sign up for the free e-newsletter to get more Maitre D’ate. Sign up here.