Mini Matchmaker Podcast (Day 30 of 30): The Irrational Logic of Closure
For 30 days I’ll be posting daily audio clips based on some of my older blog posts. Get ready, Hong Kong, for some snappy (but not judgmental) dating advice, tips and opinions.
Closureis about getting a firm answer and getting rid of any ambiguity about the situation.
People often say they need closure with their ex and once they’ve gotten closure they can move on with their life.
Not so fast Pythagoras.
It doesn’t matter how many questions you’ve had answered in your quest for closure. There will always be more. Your quest for closure will never end.
Ambiguity is ever present and the more questions we ask and the more answers we get, the more questions bubble up to the serve and we need to ask.
Closure as a myth
Closure sounds like a great idea in theory but it’s a myth.
In theory, you may have a list of 10 questions you would like your ex to answer but, let’s be frank, the answers are going to create more questions that need answers, and those answers will create more questions that need answers…∞
So, what to do??
Listen to the final mini matchmaker podcast to find out.
I get this question from men (rarely from women) because they are wondering if using a matchmaker makes them a loser. The reason? Because they haven’t met anyone who has used a matchmaker before. Or have they???
Listen to today’s mini podcast to learn what kind of men most benefit from matchmaking:
My grandfather is dying and I’m on my way to Argentina to say goodbye. I’ve been thinking about him and his wife – my grandmother – a lot. He’s 94 and they’ve been married for 68 of those years.
I wonder: What would have been if he hadn’t married my grandmother? If instead he had dated her for a while and then decided he could find someone better…perhaps prettier or smarter or from a more well-to-do family.
Obviously I wouldn’t be here today. Our whole clan wouldn’t exist. But what about him? How would he have ended up?
Not much different. He probably would have ended up with a similar woman and they would have had a similar set of children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. He probably would have led a similar life, with similar degrees of disappointment and joy. He would have had the same short temper and the same propensity to give big tips. His marriage would have worked in a similar fashion with him being the man of the house and that’s that.
It would have all been similar because, after all, he was the same guy with the same ideas and principles and with the same vision of how life and marriage works.
Today we don’t marry our neighbour or high-school sweetheart. We explore the world and ourselves before settling down.
That’s a good thing but in the Age of Swiping it’s gone too far and become a detriment because we expect our fantasy to become reality, and we are on the constant look-out for a Significant Other (SO) to get us there even if it means dropping our current SO with whom we have a pretty good thing going.
I call it PBO-ing. Pending Better Offer.
I don’t think people should do what my grandparents did (which is get married in their 20s and make babies soon after) but I do think that we run the risk of never being satisfied with who we have in our life today because we’re always swiping and looking for an upgrade for tomorrow.
My grandfather has flaws, which my grandmother accepted, and vice versa. The good with the bad, the wow with the blah, the hot and the not. That’s what gives a relationship a chance to succeed. We need to accept that ‘perfect’ doesn’t exist and we’re always going to miss out on something but that’s not always a bad thing.
To commit to someone and have that person commit to you is a beautiful thing even though it will have blemishes and shortcomings.
What will you choose?